July 21, 2003

Bad News Pooh Bears
Good things happen in fairy stories
They’re known to have happy endings
Mine is filled with all kinds of worries
Even though it’s all just pretending

You see, I manage a baseball team
It’s filled with all kinds of great protagonists
It’s the most perfect group you’ve seen
But DAMN! they’re such pessimists

It’s a story full of horrors
For example, I cannot use Cyndirella, AT ALL
She’s always making errors
She keeps on running from the ball

I don’t have a character with a good bat
Tarzan was my biggest chance at winning
But he is always striking out
Man, it sucks seeing him going down swinging

I wish I had someone to pick up the slack
It’s pathetic trying to get runners on base
The worst batter is Jack
He’s too slow getting out of the box

Winning keeps on getting harder
I made changes in the order of the batting
Stacked the little pigs consecutive for power
But they always have a 1-2-3 inning

Pathetic performances could get me fired
Sometimes making me wish I’d shoot myself with a gun
I know Goofy has a reputation for being a bad driver
But cant get it right on a damned hit and run

My pitching has not met expectations
No one on the staff has a good deliver
I tried the seven dwarfs in key situations
But they’re only good for short relievers

My outfielders keep me running on empty
Most of their line drives just fall
I keep having trouble with Humpty Dumpty
He still has problems with that outfield wall

Sometimes I just wished I’d take up golf
I can’t get a good performance even if I plead
My star pitcher was the Big Bad Wolf
That was til he blew away every lead

Well don’t think all my players are bad
In fact, some have carried the team
It really makes me glad
Otherwise who knows where we would be

No, those aren’t lies
My best player is The Frog Prince
He is really good at catching flies
He joined the team last week and I’ve been sane since

I won some games if that matters
I thank God for the dirty old witch
She has a thing that fools all batters
And she does it with one nasty pitch

Lastly, Marge Simpson is the best hitter
Boy, you should take time to see her
Especially if she’s bitter
She can really whack a Homer

-Julio Cortez